It was a warm and loving birthday, and I'm grateful. If this is 52, I will take it! I have never mourned getting older, I've always felt young at heart, never like I was losing anything as time passed. Every year we get to spend here is a privilege...
I'm not ashamed to admit that December has become a hard month for me: my birth date, Christmas that mom loved so much, and New Year's Eve when she passed away. In some ways we're lucky she wasn't with us longer, her quality of life would have kept getting worse, so it's not something I wish or long for. PSP sucks in a pretty big way. My memories are warm though, and there was much love, but I do find my heart feels vulnerable this time of year, I take it as an opportunity to pause and be within myself in quiet reflection.
The last few years I've been working really hard on who I am, and while there's still more to be done, it shows. In the process of getting ready for my first solo marathon swim in 2023, I took a deeper look at myself, my circles, my community. Growth does that; as my focus sharpened, I started to notice things around me that felt off, felt wrong, and I became more willing to question intentions and purpose. I gradually started removing myself or saying no to behaviours and situations that no longer sat well with me. And yeah, it got uncomfortable at times, sometimes growth does that too. But I entered the water that day a different person: self-knowing and deeply confident. I show up for myself, I know my self-worth.
I spent 2024 deepening that work, and I spent my birthday reflecting on the things I've learned. Here's some practical stuff I'm passing along as a birthday wish to you...
Say "yes" to the test(s): as we get older, shit starts to fall apart, so take every diagnostic test you're offered, you never know what you'll find. I spent my birthday sipping on barium and rolling around on an exam table for imaging all because I said yes to an endoscope so we could "just look around in there" and ended up finding a hernia in my stomach. I'm a big chicken, I hate being prodded and I once bit a dentist's thumb hard when he tried to stick a cotton roll in my mouth...but if I can get past that shit, so can you. It's scary, but take the tests, take care of your body...
Say "I love you" and "I'm sorry" more: work at being better at telling people you care about them. We assume people know, but they need to hear it. Words you turn over in your head don't have much meaning if they aren't spoken out loud. If you don't say it, it doesn't carry any weight. So yeah, it's been real mushy lately...
Say "I trust you" to your gut feelings: your body knows when something is off, you can feel it, but you have to let yourself stop and listen. Sometimes we let things slide, but in the end it just teaches people they can treat you in ways you otherwise wouldn't accept. Surround yourself with people who are genuine in their love for you and who you are - not tolerate you, but love you. Learn to feel the difference, valuing emotional safety with the people closest to you is not a weakness...
Say "no" as you need to: work hard for a peaceful life, even if that gets uncomfortable at times. So say no to compromises, no to triggers, no to distractions. Your self-worth is too important, it's pretty much everything...
The picture? Seemed perfect for this post. Our little path down to the water was recently washed away in a wicked storm, it's a steep drop now - the waves actually eroded the shoreline so much, it's concave under my feet, and the edge will soon give away. I'll shift to the left and carve out a new path down to the sea. Can't fucking wait for 2025, excited..
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